What is the etiquette for gravestones?

When you go to a loved one’s burial place to visit, the visit is very personal and emotional. As much as one would think that a visit to a grave is personal, cemeteries are also a shared space filled with history, tradition, and mutual grief. Knowing the rules of gravestone etiquette ensures that each guest can pay his respects in a manner that is best for him and others.

General Cemetery Etiquette

Before we explore proper behaviors at specific gravestones, let’s review some general etiquette for cemeteries:

1. Keep Quiet: Speak hushedly and mute your mobile device.
2. Respect Privacy: Grieving individuals are sometimes in the cemetery with their deepest thoughts. Try not to stare for their privacy.
3. For Children: Teach them to behave respectfully and not to play or run in the cemetery.
4. For Pets: It is advised to keep pets at home except for service animals.
5. Hours: Most cemeteries have visiting hours; respect these.

Getting Around the Cemetery

1. Stay on Paths: Do not walk directly on top of graves – it is disrespectful.
2. Drive Slowly: If you must drive, keep it to almost a negligible speed.
3. Park Appropriately: Use designated areas, and do not block pathways or graves.

Gravestone-Specific Etiquette

1.Contacting and Cleaning

• Permission: Always get permission from the cemetery or family before cleaning a gravestone.
• Techniques: Use only approved, non-abrasive cleaning techniques. Many historical societies and cemetery associations offer guidelines.
  Avoid:
• Wire brushes or metal tools
• Bleach or harsh chemicals
• Power washers
• Best Tools: Soft brushes, water, and D/2 Biological Solution (a widely approved cleaner).

2. Rubbing Gravestones

• Obtain Permission: Some cemeteries do not allow this, as it may damage the stone.
• If permitted, only use soft paper and wax crayons, never sharp tools.
• To keep from pressing too hard, additional support can be provided by another person, holding the stone while rubbed.

3. Decorations and Offerings

• Observe Rules: Each cemetery has its own specific rules concerning where decorations and offerings are.
• Common Allowables:
• Fresh or silk flowers
• Small, personal decorations (such as a veteran’s flag, a child’s toy)
• Often-Banned Allowables:
• Glass decorations (risk of breakage is too high)
• Edible food (creates potential for animals)
• Large or gaudy decorations that are difficult to navigate with equipment used for maintaining the landscape
• Clean-up: Assume that items will be removed periodically, especially after holidays.

 4. Pictures

• Personal Enjoyment: Often permitted for the loved one’s enjoyment of the gravesite visit.
• Commercial or Public Use: Get permission from the cemetery and, if applicable, the family.
• Be Discreet: Do not take photos of others who are there for grieving.
• Avoid: Sitting or leaning on gravestones for photos of Disrespectful poses or expressions

5. Touching the Gravestone

• Light Touch: Most people feel the stone lightly and touch or pat it at times as a gesture of connection.

Do Not:

• Sit or lean on the stone
• Try to place loose stones back in place (notify staff of these)
• Leave No Trace: Do not attempt to carve, paint, or permanently change the stone.

 6. Respecting Others’ Traditions

• Different Practices: Various cultures and religions each have pretty different graveside traditions.

Examples:

• Laying stones on Jewish graves
• Leaving coins at military graves
• Leaving trinkets at children’s graves
• If Unsure: If you come across something you have never seen before, don’t touch or try to imitate without first learning what it represents.

 7. Taking Action

• Vandalism: Inform authorities of any evidence of desecration.
• Maintenance Needs: Advise staff of:
• Leaning or loose stones
• Inscriptions that are starting to become illegible
• Markers with chipped edges or chips
• Lost and Found: Whenever you find personal items such as jewelry, turn them into the cemetery workers.

8. Genealogists and Historians

• Common Sense Research: Always view each gravestone and monument as a personal memorial to an individual, not just a sum of the information.
• Conservation: Your inquisitiveness contributes to preserving history; always observe the rules so that these inscriptions will last.
• Share Respectfully: Be considerate when sharing pictures of inscriptions for stones, including recent internment, and show compassion for family privacy.

Particular Time Considerations

1. Spring: Grounds may be soft; walk lightly to avoid sinking and falling.
2. Summer: Mornings are more relaxed and allow space for maintenance staff.
3. Autumn: Be careful not to destroy any natural leaf coverings on new graves.
4. Winter: Many cemeteries are closed or have limited access because of snow.

Teaching The Next Generation

• Setting The Example: Children learn how to behave around gravestones by observing the adults in their lives.
• Discuss the Area: Talk about it being a place of love, memory, and respect.
• Engage them: Let them help you place flowers or clean the place in a way that brings them the feeling of care.

Gravestone etiquette is more than a set of rules; it will contain a framework for collective respect in an area that will bring many hearts together to remember. By following these guidelines, you are showing honor not only to your loved one but to every individual commemorated there. Such considerate behavior gives our cemeteries peace, reflection and shared human experience that means each stone tells a worthy tale.